Amygdala not firing

I had two helpful (for now) realizations during my meditation this morning.

First: Amygdala not firing. It seems like the amygdala (or my current conception of it) is at the center of fear, and the 4F's. Accordingly, these strong emotions are a big part of our personality. A motto might be, "It is what triggers us that defines us". I think this is actually a very apt phrase to describe how I've seen myself and others. "Trigger" needs to be defined broadly. Trigger here is about the amygdala firing. So it includes things that set us off to be passionate, or fearful, or indignant, or soft-hearted. So, the pleasures of meditation (in Jhana, for example) is actually not being triggered, or not being triggered much by the usual things. That is, we don't become super passionate about the breath, super fearful that we won't have it, super indignant, or super soft-hearted*. We go for calm. And the calm is the negation of clinging and triggered. Even as I write this, I am excited and trying to grasp at my understanding of the thoughts. But this is definitely NOT a state of Jhana. There is clinging, albeit beneficial, to write out a description of these thoughts. I'm trying to put down a marker and breadcrumbs. But, when I find my way back, the experience itself is about the negation of triggers and the negation of most activation (except activation on the breath, and then, only enough to keep the hungry-mind occupied, kinda like giving a kid an ipad with wifi turned off, or giving a dog a chew toy so they are occupied). I felt a strong identification with the notion: the amygdala is not firing.

*soft-heartedness is related to Metta. So, when doing metta, yes, aim for that kind of amygdala firing. No ill will. And actively goodwill. In Jhana1 on breath, we don't do soft-heartedness. We do aim for no ill-will. But we also aim for no goodwill(!). We aim for simpleness and attention. The amygdala not firing (at least not much?).

Second: There was a shell around me, and I let all sensations enter "me", but bounce off that shell. Thoughts would enter my mental "airspace", register on my radar, and then bounce off. I recognized my habitual mind considering that everything that hit my shell was me and important and had to be invested in. But, this time, I just kept the shell sealed and the sensations, feelings, perceptions, thoughts, and consciousness stayed outside the shell. Inside the shell, I filled it with breath sensations and breath feelings. I took the advice that thoughts helpful to the breath are 100% allowed. And, I used as my test of helpful breath thoughts as those that actually connect me to the pattern of my breath, i.e., the in and out and further noticing of even subtler parts of the breath. An un-useful thought would be anything that was related to the thought but didn't follow the pattern and rhythm. An example would be thinking about how thoughts are such awesome things and having that thought spiral past 5 or 6 inhalations. But, if I thought awesome, in line with the breathing rhtyhm, that was fine. In general, thoughts about the actual rhythm of breath are good, helpful. There is a way-finding element of staying with the breath. That is, if I am in the forest and hiking, it is good to be able to notice the terrain as it is around me. To make notes that I am stepping here. Weight is here. Not stepping there. Weight is there.  Not helpful would be too much thought about how steps are so much easier in houses or whatnot... things disconnected from this breath.

Inside the shell, I focus and stay on the breath. I'm aiming for Jhana1. And, importantly, I'm almost entirely protecting myself against me-making and mine-making.  So, I recite the 3 phrases: This is not me. I am not this. This is not mine. And then I repeat with more specificity. This itch is not me. This is just an itch. (Relating to a khandha, perhaps.) This is not mine. This thought is just a thought. This is not me. In this way, the sensations "enter me", but they don't become me. This was an exciting thing to notice. (I guess it relates to equanimity, and before I had more indifference (not letting it enter my airspace), and today I was able to feel but not get sucked into the feeling, think but not get sucked into the thought.)

There is one big exception. With knowledge that it is just a fabrication, I "go to the movies and suspend my disbelief" and allow a specific form of me/my-making. That specific form: I make myself one with the breath. I allow my feeding mind to feed on the breath. I might say, "For training purposes, I am this breath. I make myself one with this breath. This breath is mine. This breath is me." And, my starved identification self starts feeding on the breath. Today, it fed strongly. Other days, not strongly at all. But, the breath is there to be fed on if needed (so as not to feed on other things), as a harmless thing (for now) to feed on. And this is the directed thought and evaluation and total absorption of Jhana1.

NOTES:
For Jhana1 description, see, amongst many, https://www.dhammatalks.org/books/WithEachAndEveryBreath/Section0007.html#sigil_toc_id_53; the Jhana section of With Each and Every Breath by Thanissaro Bhikkhu (now Ajaan Geoff). free download.

For breath meditation, consider the Anapanasati of Buddhadasa, free download, http://www.buddhanet.net/pdf_file/anapanasati.pdf

For a very sweet story about me/my-making, try Gil Fronsdal's audio recording about A Fairy Tale. https://www.audiodharma.org/talks/audio_player/9424.html (free)

For the amygdala, I recommend Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers by Robert Sapolsky and also The Trauma of Everyday Things by Joseph Goldstein.