SHORTY: The flowers of pleasure

The distracted mind only plucks the flowers of pleasure.

Unaware(?) of the dangers of plucking.

Raw:

Dhammapada (47)

pupphāni heva pacinantaṃ, byāsattamanasaṃ naraṃ.

suttaṃ gāmaṃ mahoghova, maccu ādāya gacchati.

As a mighty flood sweeps away the sleeping village, so death carries away the person of distracted mind who only plucks the flowers (of pleasure).

"Ewww" and "Yuck" are the most dangerous emotions-reaction-expressions

One of the most powerful emotions is disgust. Best exemplified by the words "Eww" and "Yuck". Paul Ekman calls it one of the universal emotions, an emotion he has found in every culture. Even babies, pre-language, have a "yuck" look on their face.

So, in a sense, having the yuck emotion is unavoidable. If we are human, we will meet with situations that are yuck.

And yuck is closely related to aversion. Aversion, being the situation of "I don't want it" and "get away from it" and "go away". Yuck fits all these things.

But, there's then a paradox. The Buddha said there was a way to end greed, aversion/anger, and delusion (GAD).

It turns out that it is possible to get rid of the feeding of aversion and anger. And that is the most essential part of the trick. When we are being stung by bees, it is a normal human reaction to want it to stop. Go away! But we don't have to make a big story about it.

Eww and Yuck are more dangerous than just feeding on it. It creates dangerous patterns, both interpersonally and in ourselves. It perpetuates patterns of harm to ourselves and to others.

Yuck and Other People

When we say "yuck" when around other people, we are making a very bold statement. We are saying, "I do not like this at all." And, in social situations, we are often also saying, "And nobody should like this. An interesting situation is when we say yuck to someone else's clothing. This is very common for teens and pre-teens. This is when we start policing each other. We try to establish norms of cool. And then create hierarchies. At least, this is the typical way things happen in US schools. If you have an ugly sweater or an unfashionable haircut, that is when some bullying person will say yuck, either to your fae or behind your back. And, all around, it creates a sense of "othering", i.e. dismissing people as not belonging to the group. If this is said to your face, it is meant to hurt you directly. And, if you care, and most kids and adults do care, the hurt lands and lingers. Deep. Because we all know that fundamental feeling of disgust. Like when we taste something that is bitter or rotten. So, when other people say yuck to our face, it's like they are equating us with rotten food. Yuck. Disgusting. How could anyone like that.

When it isn't said to our face, it creates this complicated dance. We don't know this person has it out for us. And we don't know who else has it out for us. And, when our friends are told "yuck", there is a danger that they will be persuaded and torn. They may like us and want to hang with us. But they may also want to hang with the person who "yucked" us. And, that person, often a cooler bully, is trying to draw lines in the sand. And there are many many lines in the sand. In a rational world, people might realize the destructiveness of the bully and try to have a new way without yuck. But this usually doesn't work. The yuck-meister spreads these mines all over the place, and they, for some reason, hold some great power over other people. Other people want this person's approval. They want to not be "yucked" by the yuck-meister.

It is possible that the bully is so toxic that they get removed from their place of power. But, in most situations I've seen, there is just another form of yuck-bullying that appears. So, the emotional content and the minefields are still there, just the content differs. So, if we overthrow the yuck-meister who likes to be mean, that's often replaced by a "yuck" reaction to meanness. This can be helpful, as people stop being mean. But then the meanness police gets very zealous, and they start overapplying their yuck reaction. There is a way to discourage meanness without using a public-yucking reaction. The buddha seems to me to have pointed it out. Look. Reflect. See the drawbacks and dangers. And, in your own heart, use yuck to get away from that unskillful yuck reaction. Yes, we can skillfully use the yuck on yuck itself. But, at some point, there is still stress there. We have to realize that we have to find something besides yucking on yuck. That something is the release from yucking entirely, the release from needing to feed that yuck.

Importantly, there is almost no usefulness to public declarations of yuck. That public shaming usually just digs some people in or takes them into a shame spiral. An exception is if someone is very advanced but has a blind spot. In that case, some public yucking can help snap them out of it. But this is VERY rare, because most people are too defensive. Also, most of us can't "yuck" with helpful intent. We do it incredibly quickly, as quickly as a knee-jerking reaction. And then it travels out our mouths, creating an intent which is to make the other person GO THE FUCK AWAY!!!!!

Ewww and Ourselves

We can say Ewww, quietly to ourselves. Importantly, it's not only the words we need to keep silent. We need to also keep quiet the facial expressions and nonverbal communications. We have to really keep it to ourselves. We usually can't stop the facial expressions (see Ekman), but we can separate ourselves from others, or cover our face, or turn away.

When we are able to do that, we have made a big step. We've chosen to be harmless to others.

But what about harmlessness to ourselves?

Well, the Ewww reaction is tricky in that there is a lot of feeding. "Ewww" demands to be right. It seems to proclaim, "I know what is disgusting. And THIS. IS. DISGUSTING." It's the internal bully. And when it comes out, we can become the bully, taking it as our primary perspective. It is a very powerful perspective. When someone is really captured by the Ewww response, it's usually not useful at all to try to communicate with them. It's usually impossible to get them to see something besides their Ewww.

But, it can be done. Importantly, it can only be done with the cooperation of the person (or the person's "control tower" to use Gil Fronsdal/Thanissaro Bhikkhu terminology). If the person really wants to, and often it's because they are curious or willing to investigate the possibility that it is unskillful, then they can start to see it. Importantly, again, they can't skip the initial step which is just to be aware of the Ewww and get to really know it. That is, they can't go straight to smash/squashing it. Because, that doesn't work in the long run. The trouble is that it can work in the short run, via sheer force of will. But, doing so just papers over it. It doesn't address the underlying cause.

So, Ewww is something to be worked with. Something not to be fed. Something we can watch arise and pass away. And then something we can watch for the causes of the Ewww. I'm not talking about the disgusting fashion/haircut/food. I'm talking about our worldview and the ignorance at the heart. The part of us that feels there is a big self to protect. Who picks a fight with the fashion/haircut/food. Who then feeds the Ewww. And feeds the identity of Ewww. And the identifying with Ewww.

Examples

My sister is very good at "Ewww". She said it once with regards to camping. She has said it regards to my life choices. We have a famous fight about cheese. I find it very unskillful how quickly she could make it personal. And, as I wrote above, it's impossible to get someone to reflect on the Ewww unless they really want to.

I see it often with teenagers in high school.

I see it often with adults who think they are right. There is an "Yuck" or "Ewww" applied to poor people. Or people who are different. To kimchi (which is delicious IMHO). Or to people who dislike kimchi (who are obviously idiots, yuck!).

What's the instead/opposite of Ewww/Yuck? It's silly in how simple it is. It's the ability to say "I don't like this" without investing in it. In particular, one might say, "Look! There is a me that doesn't like this. How interesting." As Ruth King says it, don't take your feelings/preferences personally. As Gil Fronsdal says it, get curious about the negative emotions, rather than pushing them away.

NOTE: Yuck and Ewww aren't different feelings in the mind. When I'm alone, they can both appear. When I'm with others, Ewww can be just as othering. I just chose them as words so I could easily distinguish between an interpersonal disgust (Yuck) and an intrapersonal disgust (Ewww). By all means, pick your own words.

Shorty: Feeling is distinct from being

 “You need to try to master the ability to feel sad without actually being sad.”

- From Laurie Anderson, about Lou Reed, Rolling Stone magazine.

https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/laurie-andersons-farewell-to-lou-reed-a-rolling-stone-exclusive-243792/

Instead: What to read instead of this blog

 If you are only reading this blog to get your Buddhism perspectives, then your diet is way too narrow. You should mix in reading some other sources.

• If you are at the exploration stage of Buddhism
• Read Tricycle (online or in print). It is how I got started and explored the different versions of Buddhism. There is also Lion's Roar
• Understand that American Buddhism is generally very white and middle class. This has strengths and limits.
• Tricycle and Lion's Roar does a good mix of many threads.
• Try it out and see what sticks for you. At this phase, you should be looking at getting interested and motivated. Don't focus on "what is true". Ask, "What is helpful to get me started"
• If you identify racially as black (or minority in general), read Ruth King or bell hooks or the Black and Buddhist anthology.
• In particular, you will be able to get a different perspective that might "speak to you" better than a white, middle class tailored Buddhism.
• Listen to 5 audio podcasts (free) at audiodharma.org. Make sure to try different speakers.
• Tips: Try Gil Fronsdal, Andrea Fella, Diane Clark, and Nikkhi Mirghafori as speakers.
• Tips: Use the search to search a topic. Like anger, trauma, frustration, or relationships
• Tip: Some (but not all) of the talks might also be on Youtube.
• Go to your library and pick up 5 Buddhist books. Skim each for 10 minutes.
• Why 5? It gives you 5 different takes. It also helps you see what's common to all approaches to Buddhism, but also (importantly) what's different about different approaches to Buddhism. Even within one tradition (like Theravada), you will find differences.
• Tip: Pema Chodron is very very good.
• Do not just click on "Buddhist" things on facebook or youtube randomly.
• The problem with clicking based on youtube or facebook is that they recommend what is popular.
• Popular buddhism is bound to be very caught up in making people feel better, especially in the short term. 
• Buddhism, fundamentally, is about both the short and long term. And, it will challenge your belief systems in helpful ways.
• Popular buddhism, because it has appeal to the masses, is the subset that doesn't challenge people's belief systems, that are filled with greed, anger, and delusion/wishfulThinking. So, there is a big trap of falling in love with the face/aspect of Buddhism that you like the most, rather than the parts that will be most helpful/useful.

more tips...

sneezing and itching

When meditating and developing concentration, samadhi, it is a wonderful path of "mistakes". It's almost cruel to give the guidance: don't think and quiet the mind. We are doomed to fail at first. But can we fail in interesting ways. Can we fail and learn? 

Two wonderful "mistakes" are sneezing and itching. And, for me, the skillful response is very different.

(You may find other approaches more helpful. So don't just blindly copy this. Try it out. Treat it as an instead. Uudr.)

Old me thought in two unhelpful ways.

Unhelpful1: sneezing and itching are two involuntary acts. So just allow them to happen and move on. Get back to the meditation.

Unhelpful2: sneezing and itching are two distracting involuntary acts but that I can control. Resist both as much as you can. If only.... If only you were skilled enough, you would never have to sneeze or scratch an itch during meditation.

Both these views are interesting. But adhering to either one is a quagmire. Approach 1 is too passive. Approach 2 is too lockdown/tense/allOrNothing. This isn't to say they should be abandoned completely. But they need to be used when they are useful.

Gil Fronsdal and a western Vipassana approach would suggest getting curious and watching. I think Gil said, if you have to scratch, take a few deep breaths first. Bring the whole scene to you awareness. The itch. The urge to scratch. The mind that writes the story and validates it. I would add that one can play with the story: imagine an angel or spirit blowing on your itchy ear. And then, if you still need to scratch, scratch slowly. And really notice (aware) of the scratching.

But what about sneezing. That more.involuntary. we can't always take a few deep breaths.

So, for itching and sneezing, it's good to do some "cross training". Take different approaches. Maybe switch it up on different days. So you see and learn more.

Look for what works and the exceptions.

Sometimes I find this helpful:

For itches, put up a good fight, maybe for 10 breaths. Yes, this will have some tension. But don't feed it. Melt into the body tension. No second arrow around the body. You might even recruit the mind to help.

For sneezes, just get really curious and allow. But try to watch it. Like in SLO motions. Maybe pay attention to the shape of the mouth. Similarly, one can add a bit of activeness. Play around with sneezing more softly. Or super loudly.

This is very much personal. Look for insteads. And check yourself for greed, anger, and delusion often. In both the long and short term. Let any wisdom you gain be long term. Let any forced stories you make be short term only.

what sacrifice looks like from the inside

We are such social creatures. We like to think we are individuals, with our own minds. 

But how much and how often do we do things for others.

...for praise

...for avoiding blame.

...for appearances.

Even when we sacrifice, publicly. For sacrifice is a most public act. "Look at me, I sacrificed"

Therefore

I am superior

I am virtuous

I am praiseworthy

I am reformed, to be forgiven

I am without blame

(tension)

Maybe if we sacrifice enough, we can get a prize. Safety, as given by the outside. A safety that allows heedlessness. And also a safety that doesn't last.

For those who know, and see.

Someone from the outside would see "sacrifice", and the ascribed motives and external interpretations. Comment chains. A quagmire, a thicket of views off the mark.

The one who knows, from the inside, doesn't see sacrifice. They see common sense. Or no sacrifice at all. They see heedfulness. (less and less tension)

SHORTY: beware martyrdom

beware martyrdom. It's not a badge to be misunderstood.

Look for tension, within, and release, within.

Knowing 5 ways, directly, touched

Knowing the cause, the consequence, the drawbacks, the allure, and the path with less and less dukkha.

Knowing oneself once beats being understood by outsiders every time.

Learn to Juggle

 I'm thinking a lot lately about learning processes and teaching kids (and humans in general) "learning how to learn".

Most of the things we would teach people are too complex. Take reading as an example. We might tell kids, "go learn to read. It's easy". But it's not. There are lots of formal rules. Unwritten rules. Exceptions. Feedback loops can be slow. Grades are confusing. Getting an A in grade 1 is very different from Grade 10. And reading Hemmingway, one might judge his sentence structure to be "too simple". 

ASIDE: I've had teachers mark points off my writing for using the same word in two sentences. In programming, using the same word is NORMAL and IMPORTANT. But some judge writing by rules by, "never end with a proposition". "Don't use sentence fragments". And "never start a sentence with a contraction". Or "Put the period inside the quotation marks". Or "Don't use nested parenthesis (like [brackets] can also be considered parentheses)"

I'm trying to learn the Thai alphabet. And, this might be something every 2nd grader in Thailand gets. But it's taking me a long time.

So, one of the ideas is that we need to teach kids how to learn by using very simple domains. This is also helpful in Buddhism. Use very simple domains.

Hence, juggling. 

• Juggling give instantaneous and obvious feedback.
• Either you catch the ball or you drop it.
• Practice shows results. In this case, the beginning progress is fast.
• Tasks can be "chunked" or broken down. Throwing. Catching. Timing. Each can be improved independently.

So, if you are stuck in your buddhism, consider learning to juggle. I find it also helps with turning off the discursive (papanca) mind. But that is secondary to using juggling to develop the skill of learning to learn. And to troubleshoot and watch how the mind doesn't like learning to learn.

Everybody "means well"

My good friend NS told me once: Everybody "means well".

It's so obvious, but it was also one of my biggest blind spots. 

Dabbling: when is it helpful? when is it limiting?

 People dabble. And they dabble at Buddhism. And tonight I realized I've been too harsh on dabbling.

After all, I dabbled myself. On Buddhism and also other things (Chess, home repair, 3D printing, psychology)

Dabbling is normal and possibly necessary and unavoidable on the path of learning and exploration.

But dabbling is also an impediment at some point.

The question of dabbling is actually pretty essential. It speaks to learning and change. When something is important, dabbling is a good start. But if someone gets stuck at the "dabbling-stage", then they may not go very far.

Buddhist Baseball Bat

I can remember it fondly. I was on a long drive near Rochester New York. I was spinning in my own thoughts about Buddhism, it's awesomeness, and the awesomeness of how I was such a good Buddhist. I was learning so fast. Things were clicking.

Somehow, probably from listening to a Thanissaro Bhikkhu talk, I had some ability to see this spinning. And the pride and sense of superiority. I thought I knew it all. And I thought I knew how to judge other people, inferior Buddhists.

I named this style of thinking the "Buddhist Baseball Bat". That name has stuck. Anytime I'm starting to use Buddhism to

• Criticize other people, especially in a mean way
• Focus on my superiority
• Or criticize myself, in terms of "A real Buddhist would XYZ, and you're not doing that Eugene..."

That is the Buddhist Baseball Bat.

And when I call it that, some mix of awareness and humor helps me snap out of it. The "spinning" is blunted. And I've broken that instance of the chain of dependent co-arising.

It helps me not fall for my own thoughts.

UUDR.

SHORTY: Ask: is this not helpful?

Don't forget ask: is this not helpful?

Audio: Real wealth is a satisfied mind. - Johnny Cash

 

Wow. Listening to Kill Bil Vol2 soundtrack and happened on this Buddhism-western crossover gem:

"Satisfied Mind". Video and lyrics below. Reminds me of the sutta on mountains of gold, and also of Hatthaka of Alavi.

Lyrics

How many times have
You heard someone say
If I had his money
I could do things my way

But little they know
That it's so hard to find
One rich man in ten
With a satisfied mind

Once I was waitin'
In fortune and fame
Everything that I dreamed for
To get a start in life's game

Then suddenly it happened
I lost every dime
But I'm richer by far
With a satisfied mind

Money can't buy back
Your youth when you're old
Or a friend when you're lonely
Or a love that's grown cold

The wealthiest person
Is a pauper at times
Compared to the man
With a satisfied mind

When my life has ended
And my time has run out
My friends and my loved ones
I'll leave there's no doubt

But one thing's for certain
When it comes my time
I'll leave this old world
With a satisfied mind

How many times have
You heard someone say
If I had his money
I could do things my way

But little they know
That it's so hard to find
One rich man in ten
With a satisfied mind

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Red Hays / Jack Rhodes

Satisfied Mind lyrics © Carlin America Inc

SHORTY: painful and helpful

Sometimes clinging to the practice is painful.

Sometimes clinging to the practice is helpful. Because it helps us not cling to something more painful.

-Andrea Fella, clinging to practice? On Audiodharma.

The Bargain of Buddhism

I like gimmicks and hypotheticals. So, I love asking questions like, "Would you trade X for Y?" For example, would you trade that hamburger for a milkshake? Would you trade 10% of your income for an extra hour of sleep everyday? Etc.

In Buddhism, there seems to be inherent bargains. I often call these insteads. Do you want to chase fame and fortune? Or give that up so that you can develop the spiritual path?

One of my phrases I like to remind myself: "You can do anything you want. But you can't do everything." I've had people agree. And others violently disagree. Others want to have their cake and eat it too. And all cakes. And all pies. NO LIMITS, MANIFEST YOUR DESTINY, YOLO!!!

I'm smiling as I write this because there is a specific bargain that I have made for my own buddhist path.

CONS

1. Probably 90% of people will never understand you. Most will politely ignore you. Others may violently disagree.
2. You won't be as rich or popular as you could be. You might even be very poor someday.
3. You won't get to obsess about and get frequent sensual pleasure. Sensual pleasures span the range from [eating good food frequently] to [sex] to [being warm]. There are literal bugs and bug bites on the path to put up with. 

PROS

1. You will learn how not to let your brain and your habits hijack you.
2. You will learn resiliency. No matter what happens, you will be able to be okay. You don't get flustered when outside things don't go your way.
3. You will be harmless.
4. You will find pleasures that don't depend on the outside world. Over time, these pleasures will surpass the [sensual] pleasures you gave up.

I have made this bargain, somewhat deliberately, and somewhat by accident. I still get frustrated that 90% of the world won't understand me. I'd rather they did understand me, but there's not much I can do about that. (Consider, the fire sermon.) And I didn't seek out to be harmless. In fact, old-Eugene thought he was already harmless. (See Dunning-Kruger). But, I've realized that I can be much much more harmless. 

I'm very much happy with the bargain. I would not undo it. I am embracing of it. Life is insufficient (Uno Loko, Four Dhamma Summaries), and not a stable thing to grab onto for metaphorical "ground".

MONKS

I'm also inspired by the monks I've met. Explicitly, they take on the 3 cons listed above, becoming renunciants. And, via the Vinaya, they will get the first 3 pros. 

The last pro, the finding of pleasure... that seems to be very mixed. Some monks get it. Some monks don't. And it may not come quickly. As we look more and more at the mind and our motivations, we see behind the curtain, and we see the mess behind the curtain. And the mess is distressing, dreary, horrifying. It's like in The Matrix, where the traitor sells out the crew because reality is very depressing. He'd rather a nice pleasant lie. Lies are pleasant, but they carry unskillful insanity. Albeit an occasionally pleasant and familiar unskillful insanity. It does have its appeal. That's why it is so hard to let go of.

But the monks, many monks, stick through it. And I am so grateful that they have. Tunneling through the "burn" or "the hump" common to learning all things. The difficulty of the new practice does bear good fruit, albeit not quickly enough for the impatient. 

It's worth it. The bargain is worth it.

DANGERS and FAKE BARGAINS

The most dangerous thing isn't that the practice is hard or that people give up. The most dangerous thing, and perhaps I am biased from listening to Thanissaro Bhikkhu too much, is that people mistake fake-dhamma for the real-dhamma. If people go halfway, thinking it's all the way... thats a big danger. They stop short, aren't prepared, and can end up bewildered. And when the outside world gets extra messy, they will lose faith in the Dhamma. They might get angry at the Dhamma, like we've seen in Christian parables. When disaster strikes in the world, some people will curse God. "Why have you forsaken me!!???!" Buddhists may give up on the Buddha's message, reasoning that Buddhism is supposed to prepare them for fire and death and fame and blame. "Why haven't you prepared me for this?!!!?!" If taken to heart, fully, Buddhism does prepare us. It teaches us not to get too entangled. But the "halfway-dhamma" will not prepare us. Halfway-dhamma is bewildered by the dukkha of change.

What are the Fake-Dhammas? Going back to what I wrote earlier, some Dhammas suggest that you can have your cake and eat it too. These are often new-agey proselytizers who might be said to argue for Buddhism Maximization. Using the bargain framework, I would say they argue that you can have all 4 PROs without having to give up any of the things the 3 CONS say you have to give up. Put crudely, you can have all the sex, food, comfort, money, success, and fame you want, and on top of that, you can sprinkle on ALL the benefits of Buddhism and Mindfulness. Like a late-night infomercial... "for the low low price of $9.99 a month!" Or, as my childhood friend would say, "A new car!!!" (insert Bob Barker voice).

This isn't entirely false. It is possible to get maybe half the PROS without the renunciation of giving up the CONS. In fact, old-Eugene was a Buddhist Maximizer. I reasoned, "I'm really smart, so I'm going to be able to get everything I want without giving up anything I currently have, except maybe some of the bad habits and the clinging." And, I did just that. I had a lot of good food, praise, sex, money, etc. And I got bump-ups/boosts of more skillfulness. Maybe I became halfway calm, halfway resilient, halfway harmless, and half spiritually pleased. Which, I (mistakenly) thought at the time, was the full thing. I thought I was sooooo darn clever.

But, specifically, the PRO#1 was problematic. My brain had given up half the hijacking. But it ended up just trading my old hijacking (I need to be right. I need things this way.) for a new hijacking, (My new way is right. I need things this new way.) The fundamental issue of hijacking was still very unsolved.

Through a lot of trial-and-error and a lot of slow-steady guidance, walking through a fog of buddhism and soaking it into the robes ove weeks and months (rather than drinking it down in one gulp), I was able to develop dispassion.* Samvega. And this has been a big benefit. Without it, I would have stayed enamored of the entanglements of the CONS. A willing accomplice to my own hijacking.

So, there are dangers in the bargain. We can go halfway and get stuck there. Part of this is mitigated by having good spiritual friends. Part of this is mitigated by being unfailingly honest in our self-reflection. Part of this is also aided by having a good sense of humor, so we can laugh at our mistakes and learn from them

It can be a lonely path. Remember that the Buddha is your spiritual friend. As are your good habits, your virtue/sila. And the long line of others who have made the bargain, stuck to it, and gotten to taste the fruit of the results. And who then help others.

UUDR

==== NOTES

* I don't want to give a wrong impression that I've got dispassion nailed. I'm still a bit shaky on dispassion. It's not 100% stable. Some dispassion is very stable, tested, and has withstood challenges. Inflexibility of view that leads to tension and dogmatism has been easy to give up. Some dispassion is shaky as hell. Sexual thinking, sugary snacks, and warm socks are hard to give up. Netflix too. I'm still working on it, and finding it's helpful to remember: "Delight in developing. Delight in abandoning."