I hadn't had sex for about 2 or 3 years. Sex, for a long time, was very important. I enjoy it a lot. My partners tell me I'm pretty good at it. My superpower in bed: I listen. Sexuality is very interconnected, relaxed, like a dance.
Although I hadn't had sex for several years, there are some past lovers that I'm still friends with. And, putting it simply, I'm not a saint. I sometimes give in to my urges. So, in 20XX, I met up with one of those partners. We didn't have sex, but things got quite sexual.
I should have known better. We talked about keeping things platonic. I was in town for other reasons, but stayed at her house. I should have known better because we've tried to be platonic before. The sexual temptation is just too great.
I thought we were past sex, partly because I did say to her that "I don't want to be too tempted with the situation." I was trying to practice restraint of the senses, especially lust. She reacted negatively to the word, "tempted". She said she didn't want to be a temptress. She suggested I had some psychological hangups about sex. She said she was happy to see me as a friend, but didn't want anything to do with the role of temptress.
I tried restraint, but failed.
I think I started by asking her if we could cuddle. I hadn't had much physical contact having been isolated for a while, so I thought that maybe I could keep it at cuddling and chatting.
It was also kind of a test for me. How would I react? Would I hold off on sex? Would we get intimate but without the drawbacks that I've started to see in my practice? Would I be disenchanted? Or would I change my mind about staying on the Buddhist path?
As many readers may know, a little bit of touching is a slippery slope to more and more. Hormones flowed, more and more. Clothes came off.
It was very good. Natural. Relaxed. As far as sexuality is concerned, it was extremely wholesome and enjoyable. We are both stable, sober adults. Both of us are loving and virtuous. I think we both keep largely to the 5 precepts. By the rules of 20XX, there is no blame for either of us. Consensual pleasure. And lots and lots of pleasure.
But during the sex, an interesting things happened. Normally, I get entranced in the sex and become one with the experience. A flow state. It adds to the pleasure to be immersed, reactive to the experience without much evaluation. But this time, because of my buddhist practice, I had a corner of my mind outside of the experience, watch. And it watched with two eyes. It saw all the allure, that I know all too well about. But it saw the drawbacks. I've had a lot of sex, and where did it get me in the end? Sex is fun, but unreliable. It hijacks the mind. It perpetuates the wandering on of samsara.
We didn't have intercourse (penis in vagina), but we did both have orgasms. I slept very soundly. We did it again a day or two later. And this time, I tried to convince her to have intercourse, but she declined. I'm glad she did. Intercourse changes things, supercharges things. At least for me. So, we didn't pass that gate.
After our second horizontal romp, we chatted a bit afterward. And I remember sharing some Buddhist reflections. She is Buddhist, too, but a different version of Buddhism. I said something like, "That was great, but also not that important." I told her it was physically really similar, but that I wasn't as enchanted or attached to the experience. I was not pushing her away, but putting the experience in perspective. She had known I was straddling the line between turning to be a monk or staying in the lay world and practicing Buddhism.
Well, there was conflict. Her buddhism is one that doesn't praise dispassion and praises interconnectedness. And her way of practicing Buddhism includes a lot of taking joy in (wholesome) pleasures. Sex is included in wholesome pleasures, especially the connected and relaxed kind of sex we have.
The conflict arose a few days later. I let her know I was leaving town soon. Through a miscommunication, she thought I'd be coming back soon after and be there the better part of a month. As it turned out, I was to be there for a little over a week. I can't say for sure what was going on in her mind, but she was unhappy. She said as much. She said she wasn't mad at me, because she wants me to do what I want. But she was disappointed and frustrated and felt misled. Also, what we have with each other in terms of connection is rare, for both her and me. For her, it seems something to hold on to and fight for. And for me, it's "not that important". Albeit very pleasurable in a sensual pleasure kind of way. She shared her displeasure over some long talks. Confusion may be a better word. There was something she wanted more of but she couldn't have it. And, furthermore, the confusion is exacerbated in that it was also good for me and, in some ways, I wanted it too. But I had parts of me that didn't want it, parts that I'm not sure she can understand. I think 99% of the world would side with her that I'm the crazy one. But, I and my understanding of the Dhamma sides with me, that I'm sane to see samsara, dispassion, disenchantment.
A few days later, even though I was leaving, and even though she had been angry, she asked if I wanted to cuddle with her. Was she now a temptress? Or maybe just someone seeing no drawbacks to some more pleasure. I was tempted, but I had gotten more resolved since our first two bed sessions. I politely declined. I think I left the next day.
We remained friends and she has treated me with nothing less than stellar friendship. I wholeheartedly praise her for that.
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Where do we go from here? The future is unwritten.
I think there's a 50% chance that we may hook up again. The pleasure, albeit worldly, is extremely intense and alluring. And the drawbacks are pretty minimal. Except for the (understandable) hurt feelings afterward, there's no interpersonal drama.
And there's a 50% chance that I stay away, putting more of my chips into the Dhamma category and sense restraint.
But there is a 100% chance that it will not be as important as it used to be.
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ASIDE: The Rajja Sutta https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/sn/sn04/sn04.020.than.html has an interesting passage about how even a mountain of gold wouldn't satisfy (quench desire/greed/wanting). In today's modern age, even a mountain of orgasms is not the route to peace and durable happiness.
