Take the STEP

STEP is an acronym I use to review my orientation to the outside world. It is a diagnostic; go through the 4 item checklist and see if anyhting needs changing.

S is for SHARE. This is not just sharing physical things, but sharing your ups and downs and sharing time.  The opposite is to HIDE.

T is for TOLERATE. Be able to tolerate anything if it is needed to achieve a goal or task you want to. Sometimes, practice tolerating just to practice. The opposite is to be PICKY.

E is for EMBRACE. Go beyond just tolerating and embrace things that are difficult.  For a difficulty that doesn't have to do with people (like the weather or bugs), embracing means finding ways to enjoy it or find meaning in tolerating it. For people, it means embracing the hopes and dreams of others, wishing well to them, wishing success and good luck and metta to them.  The opposite is to DISTANCE, including just putting up with things.

P is for PAUSE. It means that we don't jump to our first conclusion. We can look at multiple sides. We can control our urges. The opposite is to be URGES, crazy cravings, we have to have it.

There may be times where you need different combinations of the STEPs, and that you sometimes might need to ignore one part. (Example: sometimes quick action is needed so we cannot pause. Sometimes we have to be more careful and we cannot share or we limit who we share with.)

But STEP gives you important options to consider.  Could I pause here? If i do, is it beneficial? Could I embrace instead of distance? Is it beneficial? Can I tolerate it instead of demanding things change for my comfort? Is it beneficial? Can I share more instead of just doing everything solo? Is it beneficial?

Doing the default because you have always done it that way... It is familiar, easy. But is it beneficial?

Losing is embedded in "Winning", careful

Having spent a good amount of time in a rural school in Thailand, one of my takeaways is that most learning feels like losing. And nobody likes to feel like losing. A change of perception can flip most learning into feeling like winning. But this is easier said than done.

What feels like winning? Goofing off feels like winning. Playing feels like winning. Eating all the salty food you can get feels like winning. Ice cream feels like winning. In short getting what you want and not putting in much effort is what feels like winning for the kids. 

But if I reflect on my own life, I am also a captive of wanting to win. Air conditioning feels like winning. Getting a good deal on food feels like winning. Being generous to a stranger feels like winning. Sexual experiences feel like winning even though they also feel like losing. Praise feels like winning. These are the things we want. These are the things I want. 

I think the big Buddhist insight is that winning isn't all it's cut out to be. Because embedded in winning is losing. There's a list of the three kinds of suffering and one of the kinds of suffering is when things we want and and change. Another form of suffering is the maintenance of the things that we want and like. If we like things to be clean, we need to constantly clean them. Or pay someone to do it. And even then it may not last as long as we would like. Aside, in Thailand there are a lot of little lizard shits and mosquitoes and it's very hard to avoid these in rural Thailand. In Bangkok the surefire way is to live very high up in a condo that is pretty sterile to mosquitoes and lizards. 

I think this is part of the idea of right view. When we get the winning we can enjoy it, but we want to see the losing embedded in it. We want to see the disappointment. We want to see the striving. We want to see the impatience. And we want to see how we contribute to those negative qualities. 

Sometimes when I talk about Buddhism I tell people the following: if there is a way for you to get everything that you want all the time go for it. If you can truly get that that is what everyone is looking for. Part of Buddhism is the maturity to realize that that doesn't exist. And that how are mind reacts when we don't get what we want, that is one of the biggest things that we can deal with. If we learn how to face it we can be ready for any situation. And if we don't learn how to face it we can be unprepared even when we're getting everything that we want, because when the part that we don't want appears then we can go into anger or sadness or frustration or impatience or problem solving mode. 

This is part of the beautiful Buddhist pattern that I treasure to have learned. Embedded in all craving is suffering. Maybe not a lot. And maybe also a lot. But it's there. And we want to learn to notice it, and become sensitive to it. 

The alternative is to seek all the craving and satisfaction and gratification that we can get, and then complain and be upset when the suffering comes. It's like getting excited when the ball goes up, but getting frustrated when the ball comes down. But every time we throw a ball up it will come down. If we start seeing this we're not bewildered when the ball eventually starts to come down. 

We also need to be careful not to have the message that winning is stupid. Or that pleasure is stupid. Pleasure is just a normal part of being in the human physical body. My teacher are Ajahn Geoff, has said that if you remove all pleasure from someone's life they will reject it. So people who talk about the Buddhist path is the path of suffering are teaching something that's very not Buddhist. Renunciation is a part of the Buddhist path. And there is something like suffering for parts of the Buddhist path. But there are other parts of the Buddhist path that are luminous and satisfying and fulfilling and nourishing. And that all feels like pleasure. And that wholesome pleasure is something to be embraced used and developed. Keeping in mind that eventually we might need to let go of some of those wholesome pleasures, or at least let go of our grasping for those pleasures. What we need to learn is not to be stupid about pleasure. We need to learn to use pleasure to help us develop to heal and to pause. When we do that pleasure becomes a helpful thing, helpful for the path, a stepping stone on the roadmap to our development. 

So we need to be very careful about the idea of winning. We cannot worship winning for its own sake.

Sensitivity before calming

In the 4 tetrads of Anipanasati (a map of breath meditation), item #3 and #7 are to be sensitive to the body and mind. This can be seen in multiple ways.

Sensitive first is just listening, observing. You don't disturb what is going on. You try to do very little and see what has momentum, what keeps on moving because it still has energy.

Sensitive second could be watching the momentum change. In the widest sense, you can watch to see where a stirring (of sadness, happiness, wanting, or aversion) lessens and lessens until it goes away. If you are lucky, you will see several circuits of this so you start to see the pattern.  If you are even luckier, you will see how your habits (old karma) might shoot off a thought or feeling that keeps a stirring to stay stirred up (it gives it more energy).

Sensitive third is a level of gentle experimentation.  You can try to adjust (slowly, carefully, with lots of noticing) your perceptions or thought patterns. You arent trying to overpower it... In general everyone can always squash a stirring if we apply lots of effort; it isn't a rare or great skill. You are trying to do the smallest things possible to see what then changes in the mind. Maybe taking 3 deep breaths. Maybe just saying, "what am i choosing". Maybe a question, "am I keeping this stirring/sensation going?" And then watch. It is like a careful chemistry experiment where you did a small thing (input) and are trying to notice the result (output).

All of this is sensitivity of the body (#3) or of the mental qualities (#7).

Only then, after you have been sensitive, that is where the Buddha lists "calming". This is after you have looked at all your tools of thinking. And then you decide what tools of thinking to apply.

Calming is different from ending a stirring. In an important way, we want to make sure the tools we apply to end the stirring doesn't create another stirring. A major new stirring happens when we bottle it up (anger, desire, spinning thoughts). When bottled, the pressure can build. The cause of anger or greed or spinning thoughts, if it remains, keeps building it up. If this is true, this is where we go back to sensitivity.  One might say, "i have a level of calm right now, but i see my actions creating a bomb in the future." 

We have to notice and to be honest with oneself. We might not know if we have calmed ourselves with a future bomb or without building pressure and thus avoiding a future bomb. Is this case, we might need to be very cautious and resolute, checking (yes, checking is allowed) to see if pressure is bulding up. If it builds up in a way we are familiar with, we can address it... relieve the pressure or cut off the source. But it could build up in a hidden way or unfamiliar way. In that case, we should be quick to react (like a firefighter), but we cannot beat ourselves up for not seeing. We can push ourselves to do better next time to check. With gladness.

The process of calming is a tricky thing. It is not enturely straightforward. It is a bit like whack-a-mole.  Knock mole #1 down and mole #2 might pop up. And in tricky ways in our blind spots.

So we need to be very careful. Don't skip the step of noticing and being sensitive. When we are very sensitive, we can generate calmness in a full and benficial way. When we are not sensitive, generating calmness can have impatience and a lack of skill. And it CAN cause more harm then good. In the short run, we can create other stirrings. In the long run, we can get confused and think that calming IS the goal, we can aim too low and focus on the surface elements of the mind.