I give you permission to be a dick to me.

Today I read a timely post. "The coronavirus does not give you permission to be a dick to Asian people." I'm Asian, by the way. And, I agree with reminding you that it might not be skillful to be dicks to Asian people, like yelling for them to "Go Home" or "Don't get me sick!"

But, I want to offer an alternate take. One snarky and one Buddhist-y: "Yes, I do give you permission to be a dick to me."

The Snarky Reason: I think it's bad for you to be a dick to me for your sake (let alone for my sake or the smooth functioning of society's sake). But, if your insides are really ugly, I kinda like that you don't hide it. If you wear a T-shirt that says, "Asians, go home", that is a very useful bit of information for me. I should stay away from you. Thank you for advertising this.

Consider the alternative. Suppose I know there are 10% of people who would harm me, but I don't know which 10%. In fact, this is a very real situation these days because I'm doing the #vanDwelling thing and often am navigating new cities. Like, I want to know which streets in Alabama to avoid. If you all look the same, I can't tell. But when you put up confederate flags and Trump lawn signs, you are making it easier. So, thank you for making it easier for both you and me, conditional on that these are real feelings you have no choice over.

If you have a choice, please choose not villifying others. But if you don't have a choice and your brain/god tells you this is the oneRightAnswer... then thanks for advertising.

The Buddhist-y Reason. One of my long-term mantras has been: "Nobody owes you anything." And, in that vein, you don't owe me being nice or liking me or even believing that my race should not be "exterminated". I'm not saying this because I enjoy those things... I'm not inviting you to be mean for my benefit. But, it's just part of the reality: you are going to choose to believe what you want to believe.

In fact, me telling you, "don't believe that, believe this" is pretty counterproductive. It supposes that the way out of this mess (for me) is if you agree with me. Otherwise, intolerance to you. And, it supposes that the way out of this mess (for you) is if you believe the right things. This is ethical whack-a-mole, where you are constantly searching for the right rules to follow to finally be right.

In the Buddhist way of looking at it, I want to look at the causes of your wanting to be a dick to me. And my wish is that you look at the causes and consequences of your wanting to be a dick to me. If you just flip the switch and decide, "You're right, I'm not going to be a racist", that's a pretty weak/unstable situation. That's because you could be persuaded afterwards to flip the other way. "You're right, I'm now going to be a racist".

To quote a sutta:

So in this case, Kalamas, don't go by reports, by legends, by traditions, by scripture, by logical conjecture, by inference, by analogies, by agreement through pondering views, by probability, or by the thought, 'This contemplative is our teacher.' When you know in your bones (author's addition) for yourselves that, 'These qualities are unskillful; these qualities are blameworthy; these qualities are criticized by the wise; these qualities, when adopted & carried out, lead to harm & to suffering' — then you should abandon them.

AN 3.65, https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/an/an03/an03.065.than.html

  So, you have 100% permission to be a dick to me. But look, please look about why. Ask yourself the questions:

1. Is being a dick to Asians skillful or unskillful?
2. Is being a dick to Asians blameworthy or blameless?
3. Is being a dick to Asians criticized by the wise or praised by them?
4. Is carrying out the action, being a dick to Asians, does it lead to happiness for you and others or to harm and suffering for you and others?

And if you see it passes these tests, yes, 100%, go be a dick to me.

Similarly, check the other ways to hang on to a view:

• Do you know this to be true and helpful in your bones, or, are you maybe doing one of the following?
• going solely by reports, 
• going solely by legends, 
• going solely by traditions, 
• going solely by scripture, 
• going solely by logical conjecture, 
• going solely by inference, 
• going solely by analogies, 
• (my addition) going solely by what you like or dislike
• going solely by agreement through pondering views, 
• going solely by probability, or 
• going solely by the thought, 'This contemplative is our teacher.'

We check these because they can be very very misleading. Yes, science is great, but science has pitfalls too of interpretation. 

I love math. And if you want to explore an axiomatic universe and it's implications, that's great. But, as far as I know, the human realm is not an axiomatic universe OR is not an axiomatic universe where we know the axioms accurately enough to make great predictions about physical consequences, let alone mental consequences.

And so, the Buddha's 4-part test (skillful, blameless, praised by wise, doesn't lead to harm and suffering) is superior in helpfulness.

Furthermore, my spiritual and mental well-being is not really dependent on you (or anyone) agreeing or disagreeing with me. This has been a big step for me, because I use to desperately want people to agree. So, coming full circle. I give you permission to be a dick to me. It is not something that will make or break anything for me.   But, for your sake, I hope you learn why it's helpful not to be a dick, even when you feel like.

Why? Because, in short, if everyone decides they should be a dick to others, there's going to be a lot of suffering or bloodshed, a lot of fights. And you might end up having all that hate and views blowback and smack you in the face.

Goodwill to you no matter what. May you be happy and look after yourself with ease.