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Nothing is Enough // Or everything is not enough. // I have a hunger... //// The hunger is me. // If I feed it, it wants more. // Mostly, it wants something else. //// A wise person, said STOP. //

Wednesday, February 5, 2020

Learn to do things you don't like, before it's too late. (Especially for parents, teach your kids)

Learn to do things you don't like, before it's too late. 


Why? Because, if you learn to avoid things you don't like, life is going to be very hard for you and those around you. HINT: Learn to play 2 instruments or 2 random hobbies or talk to / be friendly with 2 people you normally wouldn't.

Why might it be too late? If you've learned (through reinforcement learning) to only do things you like for 1 month, 1 year, or 1 decade... your brain is going to be very fundamentally primed to look for the easy stuff. So, when something hard or don't-like happens, the instinct is going to be to find a way around it.

A bit of caution to not "bypass" or "pretend" it actually is fun. For the kids (or yourself), don't say, "see, that was fun!" as that reinforces the subtle 21st century madness that everything is supposed to be fun and positive. Instead, say, "I know that wasn't fun. But look how we were able to accomplish it. How does it feel to finish something that was hard."



What's wrong with going around things you don't like? Going around things you don't like is smart 90%+ of the time. If there is a food you don't like, don't eat it. If there is a person you don't like, don't hang out with them. If there are situations you know will be tough, you can avoid them. But(!!!!), this is about the other 10% of the time. Sometimes you are going to need to eat something you don't like. Or being around a person you don't like (which might be you in your lesser moods someday). Or you'll need to go through a tough situation to achieve something that matters more.


I've been working for a while as a volunteer crisis counselor, and also I meet a lot of people in my Buddhist-y work. There's a big difference between how people face the challenge. The skillful people are able to figure it out, even though it's hard. The less skillful people just crumble or get angry that it's hard. I don't know for sure, but I think the difference is how they feel about this idea: "Sometimes I have to do things I don't like."  The skillful ones see that as entirely obvious; they're just looking for help and insight and they know they gotta do some work. The unskillful ones look at you like you're the one turning up the dial on their hurt and why are you so mean.

I haven't seen much difference between genders or race. On SES/income, there's an interesting thing I'm noticing (just a guess): people who are poorer have more familiarity with difficulty, so that's a plus. But once they can see a way out, they want to take it, which is sometimes a minus if it's a dead-end shortcut. People who are richer have a lot less difficulty and think things should be solvable with money.  In an interesting parallel with dual-language learners, I think the most successful people are those who have navigated multiple domains of privilege. Examples: Poorer students who then went to a good college and got to see both sides. Or privileged kids who somehow interact and see (not just volunteer) how poorer people live. Importantly, both of these examples need to not take a side on which side is better, because if they do, they're just planting their flag on the side they like. With some nuance and sensitivity, they can see how both ways can work.

(ASIDE: We really really really should repurpose the foreign exchange student program to make a "domestic exchange student" program. Even having kids swap places with a kid for 5 miles away can have profound affects of helping them get out of their narrower view of human-life.)

Don't do a lot of things you don't like. If you do a lot of things you hate, you might strengthen the muscle that you only want to do things you like. Either stay in your comfort zone (of discomfort), or push yourself a tiny bit.   There's that adage in stretching muscles: If you stretch to where you think your limit is, you're probably tearing a muscle. So, stretch in the 50-70% range of full motion. (Or, in yin yoga a la Bernie Clark: find the first place of resistance. And then stay near there, backing off the edge often. Then, when the resistance relaxes, you can find the new "edge of resistance"). That's "edge of resistance" is the zone we want to work with.

Don't stretch yourself (or your kids) when you (or them) are stretched thin. You are training a new muscle, so don't do it when you are mentally exhausted already. Set yourself up for success. Start it when you've got capacity. And try to pick small, time-limited things. A 2 week class is great, or even a 2 hour workshop.

Do things that have some payoff. Like learning an instrument or phrases in a foreign language or changing your car oil. That way, it's not just artificial.

Take a portfolio approach, and, if it's the kids, let them choose. Choice makes things so much easier. So, if you come up with a list of 5 or 10 unpleasant chores for the day for you or the kids, let the doer choose which one to do first. Most will pick the easiest thing, especially if they are uneasy. But you'll be surprised... as the muscle is exercised, people do pick the harder things to get them out of the way too. This is a way to create a safe context to explore doing things you don't like.

Don't pretend to like it. Actually, I think it works better if you notice how much you don't like it while you are doing it. There is some wisdom in being to hold both thoughts: "I really don't like this." and "I'm still doing this for a good reason". For the kids, don't say, "see, that was fun!" as that reinforces the subtle 21st century madness that everything is supposed to be fun and positive. Instead, say, "I know that wasn't fun. But look how we were able to accomplish it. How does it feel to finish something that was hard."

related post: three factors

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