Masturbation Mondays, a buddhist-y harm reduction

This post doesn't quite fit with the learnedness of most of this blog. But masturbation is something I've struggled with and have had a lot of unskillful interactions with. And, according to Buddhism, something to be understood and dealt with skillfully.

I don't see sex as a bad or immoral thing. But, I do find that sex, for me, is a bit like junk food. It's something that isn't that healthy and something I do when I'm a bit bored. They say that sex is all about connection. It can be helpful there, but often when I'm really loving with someone, sex is not the way I want to express it. I can give goodwill, take care of them, cuddle, etc. I don't need the 30 minute fireworks display and the neurochemical soup afterwards.




So how does Masturbation Mondays fit in? I've already gotten rid of a lot of sexual obsessions in my life. So, now, I'm not treating every person I meet as a sexual object I am trying to win/capture. And even when sexual opportunity has presented itself, I'm able to look at the disadvantages and entanglements of sexuality (usually quite long term consequences, too-- either with the other person or just in my head) and politely and confidently say no. This is a big thing. I imagine it's like an alcoholic or heroin addict saying no to their preferred substance. I'm able now to see it's not worth it, even if it does FEEL SO GOOD!

Masturbation is trickier because there isn't a ton of entanglement. There's no other person. I can do it and be done. I've tried to think about the ills of the porn industry, and there are many (add link here someday), but my brain doesn't care as much about that. After all, I'm just one harmless consumer. And, after all, I'm quite content masturbating to a few old porn movies on my hard drive.

So, here is where the dharma has been helpful. In a section called "What does really knowing something entail?" in Buddhadasa's Buddha-Dharma for Inquiring Minds (page 62, section 45), he states the five factors to really know something. This perked up my ears immediately, and for good reason.

1. Know the characteristic and identifying properties.
2. Know the causes / origination.
3. Know the apparent appeal / allure (the bait).
4. Know the hidden danger (the hook).
5. Know the skillful means to escape its power.

That last one is related to as idea... how can you taste the bait without getting the hook?

For Masturbation and Masturbation Mondays, the key part was to see the bait and the hook clearly, and then to get to #5, skillful means. The bait is that it feels good and is a relaxation of the body. The hook for me took a while. I had ideas about sex being wrong. Or that I needed to give it up to be a good buddhist. These are unhelpful approaches. (Notice I didn't say right or wrong). 

The more helpful approach was to notice what happens when I masturbate too much. Well, I obsess about it. I go to it when I am bored. It exhausts me. It does give me pleasure too, and some physical release. But the obsession was really the most difficult part. So, #5 begged the question: how can I get the good parts while keeping the "hook" to a minimum.

In other work I've been doing with myself, I've noticed that the more painful part is about how my desires/brain hijacks me. It takes over the controls and has me focus on other things. This is the spinning mind that I know all too well, full of wind and rope. So, I focused on how to not let it hijack me.

I had tried many times to cut it cold turkey. It never lasted more than a week or two. I can stop for longer, but it's all about effort and forcing and more aggression is created in the forcing. That wasn't helping. So, here, even with masturbation (at least for me, at this point), I needed to take the Middle Path.

Masturbation Mondays is simple. If it's Monday, I can masturbate. If it's not Monday, I won't and I'll wait. Also, I know I won't need to wait forever, just a week. For me, a week isn't too long to wait, since I've done it lots. But, I can imagine some people may have a shorter time period. How to find a time period that fits? Something that isn't too easy but isn't something that your body will reject and weasel it's way out of. It could be Masturbation Evens => only masturbate on even numbered days. Or Masturbation Mornings. Or, it could be related to a place. Like Masturbation Shower. Or Masturbation Sweatpants.

If you are following, you might see the appeal in this approach and say, "that's it". Well, the whole game of skillfulness is not to take things on faith. You do it and you look at the results. Then you make adjustments if needed. So, I imagine I may have Masturbation Mondays + Showers if just Monday is too strict. Or I might want to train my willpower and focus and renunciation a bit more and do Masturbation EveryOtherMonday. You get the point. Check and adjust. The result you want to look for is more ease and less getting hijacked (or whatever your #4, hook is).

This is something useful for anything you've tried to do every day or do never. Like going vegan or quitting smoking. I think in addiction-lingo, they call the technique tapering. Again, it's not about whether tapering is right/wrong or if it works most of the time or not. It's really about if it works in your situation and, you have to look carefully and sensitively to get the best results. I guess you could just try it and not pay attention; you might get lucky and it fits and you don't have to make changes. But, if you want the general and always right path:

• identify desired result
• make a guess (or get a guess from a good book),
• try it
• check the results for you
• reflect and make adjustments wisely

This is how anyone learns an instrument or how to do woodworking. And also why some books/ guides don't work. It's because they are written for the average person and you may or may not be average.

In fact, so much of the "cracks" in our well-being systems are probably around "that works on average" being incorrectly extrapolated out. To make the point abundantly clear, we don't give average-size 6-9 shoes to everyone and say, "if it doesn't fit, it's your fault!" Yet, we often give average-sized advice to everyone and we do then say, "if it doesn't fit, it's probably your fault".

All the best. UUDR=Use what's useful, discard the rest.