Love not based on your looks

Spend some time in any populated place in the world, and you'll see it: people are trying to look better. What do they hope to gain from looking better?

Well, duh, love! (sarcasm). If you look better, you have a higher chance of attracting a partner. And friends. And success at work. And of keeping your partner. I don't want to lose my partner because I've let my looks slide. And ever little bit counts. So, why give them a reason to leave you because your tushy is mushy. Firm it up!

That phrase, "Every little bit counts", can be helpful and can be dangerous. If it's something worthwhile, every little bit does help build the practice to get there. If it's a dead end or fantasy, like attaching to looks, then every little bit is a waste of time.

I'd love to tell you that looks don't matter in how you are perceived, but it definitely, totally does. I remember a Tyra Banks episode where she wore a fat suit for a few days. She lamented, "Why are people so mean!?!" I have a fat friend (who is fit, just big) and she calls it "fat invisibility". In my own situation of living out of a van for many months of the year, I don't always look very clean. And, when I don't look so clean, people treat me different and leave me alone. Since I like being in the shadows, observing, I call this using the "ugly stick" to hide myself. A shirt with some paint stains or a couple of rips (not the strategic rips of the luxe, faded look) instantly signals, "not someone with money".

But, this is not to lament how the world treats people based on their looks.  Instead, I've thought about this puzzle: is there a love that isn't based on your looks? Certainly, don't look for it in the mainstream dating market. Even the alternative dating market has its visual signifiers of attractiveness. Well, maybe family provides unconditioned love? I'm not so sure. How many parents have the mindset, "I don't care how you look, I just want you to be happy"? Much more common seems to be parents caring and helping and further enforcing beauty standards or conventional success standards (looking rich). Either through modeling behavior (mom with make-up, dad with macho physical strength) or nagging (you should look X) or even a pragmatic sense ("I don't care how you look, but society and your friends will care. Maybe just a little, to fit in."). There are so many cues that your looks do matter.

So not dating, and not family. Maybe family gives unconditioned love? Friends are a minefield too, some mix of family and dating dynamics. There are loyal friends, and they don't base it on looks. But it may be conditioned on you holding certain beliefs and opinions.

So, what about at the workplace? Nope. Workplaces are run by people, and people have all sorts of hidden biases. Similarly, if you get pulled over by a cop, it absolutely matters if you are driving a 20 year old Honda minivan (me) or a new Lexus (also me, different time period).

I really want places of religion to be a place where love is not based on your looks. But I'm not sure. Religion, especially popular religion, is a mix of standards of conduct and the cultural values. Just look at Joel Osteen and Kanye West. I think they argue by their actions that God loves richness. They might never say this directly (lookup: do they say it directly) because it's not culturally acceptable to point out that God loves rich people more. But, just look at the conformity in the audience. Do they go looking to save the souls of the homeless and those who have fallen through the cracks? I have a saying, that the number one reason people do things is to feel good about themselves. And if helping homeless doesn't fit in that self-focused agenda (and sometimes self-focused doesn't look like "selfish"), no matter what a religious tradition stands for, the religion in practice isn't going to actually help the homeless. Similarly, if helping homeless does fit, you bet it often will be done with a sense of making us feel good about ourselves.

So, it seems to me that there is a great need for this: a love that is not based on looks. With a tiny corner of the world that offers this, people won't be held hostage to a culture that is focusing on the scarcity of love and attention by playing at an arms race for more. The reason for this goes from pragmatic to revolutionary. In the pragmatic side, what would it be like if women (and men) weren't saddled with the 1-2 hours a day making themselves pretty and presentable. Programmers have figured this out... let people dress how they want to (within reason). And treat people based on what they do, not how they look. (But, that is changing, and even programmers have their "codes".)

On the revolutionary side, creating a love that is not based on your looks is deeply healing and gives people an alternative way to structure their lives. It is a major safety square in a world where it seems feeling unsafe is pandemic.

Some people do want the world to be remade in their image or according to their views (liberal and conservative). They will never be satisfied. But a great deal of people don't want their asses worshiped or wiped... they would be greatly helped just by having someone see them, listen, and care about them. Someone to cheer them on and give them high 5s, to hold their hand (physically or virtually, holding space) when things are going all wrong.

There is something much better than people trying to chase love and acceptance by getting pretty and getting the attention of being pretty (which we're all supposed to want), and hence chasing something which will never be stable. There are some who are able to have consistent love from a specific partner. But, more likely, that love will morph and not be what we bargained for, or we will change in what we need. Love from a specific person is far from guaranteed or guarantee-able (people die, after all). But love from someone (that someone changes, let it change), and especially love and self-esteem from oneself, is something that persists over time.