SHORTY: Triangulating difficult emotions with Metta.

Loving kindness to even the most difficult emotions.
  But be careful not to feed.
Starve the causes of even your most difficult emotions.
  But be careful not to create (new) aggressions.

A way to summarize this is, be skillful, but keep an open hand, not a closed fist.
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Eureka: loving kindness to my racing mind

Today, I had a breakthrough. In a retreat with bruni davila focusing on Metta, I experienced loving kindness towards my racing mind. It opened and released something I hadn't felt before. I realized I was gripping around my racing mind, having made great efforts to try to tame it.

I know all about racing mind for a long time. I have done so much Metta, I thought I knew it through and through. I didn't have much ill will that needed Metta any more.

Today, with some instruction on just seeing it, just feeling it, and saying okay with some ease--the moment was right and my mind was racing. And I faced it not with the usual "go away". I faced with with loving kindness, non aggression.

It was immediate and poignant. I had not done this before. This is a different route. Even as I write this, with a racing mind, I am reacting with loving kindness, not my usual hardness.

Eureka! Loving kindness when I'm triggered by an unruly, racing mind.

Three factor person test: fullness, safety, feeding

This is gonna sound harsh, but I evaluate every person I meet. I'm evaluating their actions, not their core being. I'll tell you why it's necessary at the end.

The evaluation is a 3 part test. Based on their actions, are they full? Based on the actions, how safe are they? Based on their actions and my actions, are either of us trying to feed on the other person?

Full and Overfull

Full has a lot of connotations in English. In fact, in the customary sense, it can mean fulfilled, complete, contented, lacking nothing. Those are hpful things in themselves. I notice these. The other dimension of full is about being "brimming full" or overfull. These people have brimming Todo lists or their mind is working overtime keeping track of what they consider important. If they are brimming or overfull, either they can't make space for the present moment (or me) or, if they do, it's going to cause stress and be a scramble. One great friend is a chronic overtasked and very smart. They get their Todo list done, but it seems like it's done with a lot of stress. Other people I know make a lot of (sincere) promises, but don't have the time to do it. Instead of choosing what to drop, they sometimes drop the least pressing thing (and not necessarily the least vital thing).

What does it mean if someone is overfull? First, just know they are overfull. Be aware that they are prone to flaking and being stressed. Since everyone is the owner of their own actions, there is no fixing needed. (Fixing, is, another task on an overfull plate.) If you know they might flake and you can't control them, give the gift of flexibility and not putting demands on them.

By the way, I'm one of the worst offenders of being overfull. These days, I am better and it's less frequent. But it still happens to me.

Safe

I've got another post (need to link to it) about safety. I'm not talking about how safe they are as in whether they might hurt me (though that does matter, too). The safety here is about their mind+body safety in themselves. The best non-pedantic phrase is: in your everyday life, what percent of the time do you feel safe? It's ambiguous in that I leave it up to them to decide what safe means. Sometimes they ask, "physically safe or emotional safe?" I say "up to you".  

It's not so simple as safe good, unsafe bad. In fact, the biggest unskillful actions arise when there is a mismatch between one's actions and one's safety level. (See other post on matching safe-level and safe-response.) Like if you are unsafe but are not taking actions to get safe. Prime culprits are just going out to have fun or doing social media... these might be okay and wise as short term distractions ("insteads"), but if these aren't giving safety, they are kinda like squandering precious time. A person can also be really safe and try to get more and more safety (gated communities, not going out at night, being suspicious of everyone).

For my own interaction, it's been helpful to notice their nonverbal safety level, not just their words. Going to Buddhism, this fits into right speech, and specifically about being helpful. I've had a lifetime of mistakes where I speak assuming the other person is safe, only to realize (via their actions) that they aren't as safe as I thought. I took a survey. About 10-20% of people I know say they are unsafe, 20% say they are mixed, and a bit more than half day they are safe, and 10-20% disagreed with the question or gave a nuanced answer. This helped me to realize, "I don't know" and to keep an attitude of "not sure". And, if I'm not sure, I don't even have a good guess as to how my words will land. So, now I do a lot more listening, checking in, and I try to give Goodwill. Goodwill (sometimes just silent in my head) is always comparable with any level of safety.

Oh, and I've been in all the categories. More than a year in unsafe. More than a year in safe. Lots of time in the middle. I've done right speech and unwise speech to myself, especially when I don't realize what level of safety I am at.

Feeding, on both sides

Feeding is a big one. It refers to things of the pattern: "I want you to give me ______ and then I'll be happy/happier." It could be delusional feeding because it doesn't make the other person happier. Or it might be accurate. It doesn't matter as far as the definition goes. Both are feeding.

Forms of feeding include:

*I want you to agree with my political opinions, about Obama or Trump.

* I want you to match my level of excitement about some food item.

* Ditto a music/movie star.

* I want you to validate my opinion.

* I want you to take my side in arguments.

* I want you to believe in my way of doing Buddhism

* You need to be nice/nicer to me.

* I need you to recognize how nice I'm being to you.

Etc 

The main consequence of feeding is inflexibility. If I need X it means I won't accept you unless you give me X. I've been guilty of this, especially around Buddhism and views. My views are important to me because they keep me safe and guide me. But, I was using them as excuses to write people off. That was unnecessary and inflexible.

The first thing to do is to notice feeding, in oneself and others. For myself, I have the following weaknesses:

*Wanting to feed on other people's smartness.

*Wanting their approval and praise.

*Wanting to discuss/argue/debate

*Wanting to be right

*Wanting them to be more Buddhist and aware.

The wanting isn't necessarily the big problem. The blind spot was that I was unaware of the inflexibility. I thought I was giving unconditional Goodwill and friendship. I was actually aiming for that, but putting lots of conditions on it. I was feeding.

I still deal with feeding everyday.

When I look at others, there is a skillfully selfish reason to care about feeding. Some people feed and feed and always want more. This is related to the notion of Hungry Ghosts in Buddhism. If I have a good guess, based on their actions, that they want to feed on me, it's on me to know and accept that possibility. And, when you stop feeding the other person who has a habit of feeding, they either get angry or disappear to find someone else to feed on.

A note: not feeding can and does mean more wholesome enjoyment. If they give us praise, we can enjoy it. And, if they don't, that can be okay. But, when I'm trying to feed on praise, any shortage of praise immediately goes to a blame game of what I or they did wrong. That's because it's a NEED, not a nice to have. My brain gets twisted and windy.

So, I've gotten to the point where I can cut it off at the root. Be aware of feeding. Wanting is fine. But demanding and throwing a tantrum or panicking (often silently, deep in the mind) if I don't get it, is unskillful. It does not calm the mind.

Feeding also creates big entanglements.

Why I filter with it

I used to filter on whether I liked another person or agreed with their views. But, I now know that people are often nice up front, only to really change when you observe more closely. In relationships, I used to phrase it colorfully with the rule: 10 meals before fucking.

My goal is to have unconditional Goodwill with everyone and, because boundaries are skillful, sometimes this means keeping some distance. This way of being skillful helps them and helps me.

When I get to know a person better, I'll often tell them a rule of mine. I don't owe you anything. You don't owe me anything. If anything is given or received, it is done as a gift. If you think you owe me something or that I owe you something, please let me know so it doesn't fester.

Fester into entanglements and feeding, is what I mean.

The really wise people I've met are not overfull, not feeding. On safety, I'm not really sure. I think they have reached a high level of attunement with their level of safety. If they feel safe, they notice it. If they don't, they notice that. Also, their safety might not be a big deal. They know it comes and goes.

I think, for my closer relationships, I gravitate towards low or no feeding. Safety and overfullness are all okay. I just have to read it and adjust my reaction and expectations accordingly, to be helpful and skillful for me and them.

For the short, everyday interactions, I just want to be aware and maintain Goodwill. Mostly for my benefit, but also for theirs.

For admirable friends, those that I think can help me on the path, I look for the qualities of the wise above.

To end with an obvious but impactful statement, using these filters has been 100x more helpful than using whether we like the same things, friendliness, or whether they are an environmentalist.  

I used to think environmentalists were saints. But now I know they are just as prone to being overfull, unsafe, and feeding habits as anyone else. And some people who is never go to a political rally with are kind and helpful; not overfull, aware of their safety, and not grapsing and feeding.

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Related: https://nothingisenoughbuddhism.blogspot.com/2020/01/checking-in-with-your-safety-percentage.html The Safety Matrix

 

More and more, then what?

The Buddha cautioned about the desire for more. Speaking of money, I believe I heard he said, you can have a mountain of gold and this would not be enough.

I like the thought experiment: if I had 1000x money, would that make me permanently happy? If I had 1000x more sex.... If I had 1000x more friends; and not just any friends, the good friends who you can call at 3am. Or, maybe, 1000x more solitude. Or 1000x more fame. Perhaps 1000x more calm.

All of these are of the (delusional) thought pattern: if I had 1000x more ______, then I'd be permanently happy.

In fact, the permanent happiness pointed at in Buddhism is related to calming the mind.

Ajahn Munindo put it well in Seeing the Way, Vol2, to 2011.  At some point, the Buddhist path will ask how "skillful you are at holding 'not sure'". That not sure aspect isn't looking to make a change immediately, out of habit of need. The more&more pattern is often acting out of habit, without taking a look at whether more&more goes anywhere.

PDF book link. 

audio

I'm starting to experiment a bit with audio. Here: https://anchor.fm/nothingisenoughbuddhism

If you want what I think is usually better and from real teachers, go to:

Http://Audiodharma.org

Http://Dhammatalks.org 

SHORTY: On bad roads

Bad roads bring good people. Good roads bring all people.

Beware of teachers who feed on students

I noticed that the teachers I respect the most do not "feed" on their students. They aren't offended if their students disagree or gladdened when their students agree. For the benefits of the student following the path is for the student's sake.

Hence, one of the most virtuous actions for a teacher is to already be well fed. Or, better yet, not needing to feed anymore (which could be because of being well fed or losing one's appetite). It fits nicely into the notion of "nothing is enough", the namesake of this blog.

SHORTY: the path of mistakes

Shunryu Suzuki Roshi commented that "My life has been one long series of mistakes."

A little bit more...

This is actually based on a famous Dogen quote which is shoshaku jushaku in the native Japanese.

I liked that there are a few different translations and related phrases.

• To succeed wrong with wrong.

• When you shit on yourself, wipe it up.

-- sources: cuke.com, May 5, 2002 and June 28, 2007, "shunryu suzuki quotes"; and oxherding.com on 2008/08/21. 

Am I helping her? Or just wasting both our time?

I have a very entangling relationship with someone. She is very earnest about the dharma and seems to ask a lot of questions. There is also romantic history and a history of problematic friendship. And she is young, impulsive, all-or-nothing thinking, mercurial. So what should I do? (below)

SHORTY: The importance of training the mind+heart.

Your mind+heart can be your worst enemy or your best friend. The good news: your mind+heart can be trained and changed.

SHORTY: Sweet and sour life

I yearn to understand the sweet and sour life. Sometimes life is sweet. Sometimes life is sour. Over our lives, all of us will have sweet and sour. If we understand this, we don't crave the sweet or reject the sour.

In fact, in food, having sweet and sour together can be delicious, interesting, and rich.

This is related to another idea: All the emotional colors of the rainbow. Understand, and then learn to paint your life with all the emotional colors of the rainbow. Not just the sweet colors, and not just the sour colors.

SHORTY: Stilling, not killing

When we face negative emotions, especially greed, aversion, delusion, and fear, how we face them matters.

Though we do want to end these (kilesas), I've found the way to do so is via stilling, not killing. To still the emotion, sit with them quietly, watching the breath (or similar), and watch them arise, rage, and pass. Don't feed them.

Killing them, that is, using aggression to get rid of them, may actually feed them. It may work in the short run and sometimes, but not reliably.

This mirrors the suppression vs repression dynamic. To suppress and still takes effort and skill. Repression and killing is akin to running away or bottling up.

SHORTY: Imagination and "insteads"

A lot of my thinking has been about right/wrong thinking. One of the tricks to get out of it was the use of imagination and "insteads".

In particular:
DON'T: Think should or shouldn't I do this.
DO: What could I do instead?

DETAILS: (below)

Checking in with your "safety percentage"

I have a diagnostic I use. What percentage safe do I feel? *

Actually give a number between 0% and 100%. And then, figure out what needs to be done and (not done).

The overview: (below)

SHORTY: The way to get wise

The way to get wise is to get wise about the ways we get caught.

From Gil Fronsdal.
Video: https://youtu.be/abCjVbebw04
Audio: https://www.audiodharma.org/talks/audio_player/9193.html

SHORTY: One more breath

We can achieve a lot if all we do is take one more breath, and make it count. Just one more breath. Any wish beyond that is unnecessary for this path.

Looking at Greed, Anger, and Fantasies

If you are on the buddhist path, one of the helpful beliefs is quite negative. We believe that there is stress (immediate or eventual) in all actions and thoughts. There are 3 forms of stress (dukkha), but two are easier to remember. There is either the stress of something unpleasant. Or, for positive things, there is the stress that those things are inconstant and eventually will go away. As an older person, my knees, my back, and my eyesight come to mind as things that eventually will/have gone away.

Stress is both immediately felt but also an abstract term. It's like that famous saying, "you know it when you see it." But here, it's more, "I know it when I feel it." So, I don't actually like using stress as a contemplation directly. Instead, go with the big 3 stresses: greed, anger, and fantasies.

It's quite easy to say, "everything has stress" and then go about our lives, patting myself on the back for getting that right. It's quite hard to actually apply it.