The pattern has been very hot and cold/disappear. She'll thank me profusely for my help, for being there when she's in crisis. She's very thankful in the moment. But, she wants something akin to friendship despite her only contacting me when she needs something. She'll ask lots of questions and we'll have pages of text. And then, she disappears until the next crisis.
My (unhelpful/unskillful) instinct is to want to write her off or to commit to helping her. Both have their plusses and minuses. But both also have their hardships. Perhaps, as I've said to my friend DR, to decide one way is entanglement, and to decide another way is also entanglement. Better not to take a stand.
I hope I can maintain goodwill. As far as boundaries and friendship go, it'll depend on her actions and my actions. May we both choose our actions carefully, thoughtfully, keeping in mind openness and the path toward a calm mind.
I sometimes write a letter to my future self a few months from now. So this is that letter.
And, KS might read this. I didn't write this for you to read, but you can read it. And, if you're skimming this wasteland of an old man's thoughts on how to be careful... perhaps you have an exploring mind that can see the care I'm trying to keep in my actions and my boundaries. For the benefit of you. For the benefit of me. For the benefit of you and me. For the benefit of others, and the world.
=====
Questions to ask about <KS> in 2-3 months:
Did she disappear?
Does she only reach out when she wants something?
She has already expressed regret, but I think this was just once. In a letter. I’m not sure if she ever did over the phone or in any other circumstance. Does she still have that regret? Or was it possibly a momentary glimpse of guilt, soon forgotten, only to be repeated again. Perhaps not with the same lashing out, but maybe with the same lack of care and fullOfCraving and frustration she had before.
She is the owner of her actions, and I am the owner of my actions.
Does she have any strong sense of “i don’t want to do that again.” And what is the that. Just the ugly parts or all the unskillful parts.
What is her motivation? What is her view? Is it just to get things to be better. Or the bigger task of calming the mind? The moment she finds something that is momentary relief, do the principles fly out the window?
She has not been consistent. She expressed a yearning to not disappear, to be consistent. Check for consistency. (Don't fault her if she only writes sharing about herself, because you've signaled that and developed that with the teacher-student dynamic. But do notice if she is only sharing wanting relief. Or if she is sharing the good and the bad, or sharing when she has an answer and she doesn't.)
Review (a sampling) of all the notes you have written her. Her asking for advice, the advice given, and things she's said were helpful, that she thought she should put in practice. Even things she promised to do. And how many times she has or hasn’t done them.
She is stuck.
I don’t want to have anger and ill will towards her. Goodwill. I hope things become clearer for her. I hope she puts in effort, consistency. I hope she has ardency towards actually developing the skillful mind. It would reduce the bang-bang control algorithm of triviality and then panic.
Does she satisfy the 7 parts of the Mitta Sutta? She doesn’t need to memorize them, but as she reads them… can she see the value there? Can she be honest about what she's done and what she hasn't? Do she only wish to be better, or does she put in a wish with some effort and memory behind it?
Is she too full to do anything right now?
Does she just act passively… does she keep asking things like, “what should I do” and also acting like, “are you going to ditch and ignore me?” Those things suggest that she is focusing on what she is feeling and getting and reactivity. Instead, can she take the moment of reflection to see the bigger pattern. Can she just say "ow"?
In her plus category, she has remembered to breathe. She is earnest (I usually only see it when I ask. I wish she'd share when she's earnest; so i don't have to guess how earnest she is when I'm not around). She says she doesn’t want to stop goodwill. That she has it consistently. That she doesn’t want to disappear.
I’m tired. I'm tired when I interact with her. It seems like a waste of time to teach her things because she gets very earnest about them for a moment and then seems to forget it. It's on my side of the net that I get frustrated when I (think I) see this. So, that's for me to deal with. But, if in my objective, clearer state, if she's jus asking as distraction/pattern/entertainment/wishing without any puttingItIntoPractice.... well, wish her well but know that that attitude isn't going very far.
If she were to read something that I’ve written this past week… would she remember it or would it be forgotten next week? She's been smart and she can recall it. But, that's not enough. I think I’d call bullshit… she is smart enough to remember it in her memory and stupid enough to not have put it into practice, so that she knows it in her bones. Or, am I being too tough; perhaps she puts into practice and just doesn't get that far. In which case, I should ask instead of assume... Have you been putting it in practice?
All of this is hard to know when I just see little glimpses from afar, dispatches. I see so much more spending 1 day with a person, watching their everyday actions. Old skool, that way. Unfortunately, the Dunning-Kruger effect applies here. She won't know what actually putting it into practice is until she puts it into practice. So, she'll be an unreliable gauger of her own effort.
In her defense, she might be feeling less than 30% safe.
In her not defense, she’s been feeling that way for a long time, and she has been the one keeping herself in those states. Literally, in a state (US state) of isolation and physical hardship. See her oxytocin comments.
I shouldn’t use “monkish” standards to judge her. It’s fine that she wants to connect with people, that she hasn’t done much renunciation. Renunciation and dispassion for the world are needed at some point on the path, but not needed right at the beginning. Instead, look at generosity, persistence, endurance, truthfulness. Those are traits she has some knowledge of, that she has some ardency for.
Perhaps the zen story holds, her cup is too full.
I am at fault, too. There are some weird habit patterns at work here. It may not be in her or my power to unlock her from those patterns. (See the difference between good intentions and skillful intentions, Intro to Buddhism by the Dhammayut Order)
She seems to know where she wants to go, she seems to have a pretty good knowledge of the first steps of the path. But, she keeps wanting to do the path only sometimes; I get the sense (only a guess) that she does it only when she feels like. This is a big mistake and a common one. She needs to be consistent, and follow the path in the good times and the bad times. I've told her this. She's told me this. But, maybe she's stuck.
I wish her well. I wish her happiness. I wish her freedom from suffering. Goodwill to her. I wish her knowledge, foremost, of the causes and consequences of her actions, helpful and unhelpful. And not just the surface, intended consequences. But the wide ranging consequences. The plusses and minuses of skillful action. The plusses and minuses of unskillful action.
This is not easy stuff at all. I'm not looking for success. Just earnest, consistent effort. Not fair-weather effort.
Was I careful in my actions? Did I practice right speech? Speaking with truthfulness in mind, speaking carefully, speaking for her benefit, and not speaking harsh words (not harsh at her, though okay if it is harsh toward an action she wouldn’t want). And the hardest factor, speaking with good timing.
I can easily say I mostly have these. But, I also have to be honest that I get carried away with the words and the emotions and the path, and, reflecting, I lose sight of the "beneficiality" of the words, how they will land, and whether the timing is good.
In the habit of everyday people, it is a valid excuse that I was frustrated. In the habits of the noble ones, being frustrated is not an excuse. I don't want to make excuses there. I want to do better.
Let me wait and see. Breathe. Stay calm. Focus on my actions. Don't get sucked in. Speak less. Watch more. Help at the right time. Equanimity and Goodwill.
I do wish she'd listen to some more Gil Fronsdal / Pema Chodron / Ajahn Geoff.
Did she disappear?
Does she only reach out when she wants something?
She has already expressed regret, but I think this was just once. In a letter. I’m not sure if she ever did over the phone or in any other circumstance. Does she still have that regret? Or was it possibly a momentary glimpse of guilt, soon forgotten, only to be repeated again. Perhaps not with the same lashing out, but maybe with the same lack of care and fullOfCraving and frustration she had before.
She is the owner of her actions, and I am the owner of my actions.
Does she have any strong sense of “i don’t want to do that again.” And what is the that. Just the ugly parts or all the unskillful parts.
What is her motivation? What is her view? Is it just to get things to be better. Or the bigger task of calming the mind? The moment she finds something that is momentary relief, do the principles fly out the window?
She has not been consistent. She expressed a yearning to not disappear, to be consistent. Check for consistency. (Don't fault her if she only writes sharing about herself, because you've signaled that and developed that with the teacher-student dynamic. But do notice if she is only sharing wanting relief. Or if she is sharing the good and the bad, or sharing when she has an answer and she doesn't.)
Review (a sampling) of all the notes you have written her. Her asking for advice, the advice given, and things she's said were helpful, that she thought she should put in practice. Even things she promised to do. And how many times she has or hasn’t done them.
She is stuck.
I don’t want to have anger and ill will towards her. Goodwill. I hope things become clearer for her. I hope she puts in effort, consistency. I hope she has ardency towards actually developing the skillful mind. It would reduce the bang-bang control algorithm of triviality and then panic.
Does she satisfy the 7 parts of the Mitta Sutta? She doesn’t need to memorize them, but as she reads them… can she see the value there? Can she be honest about what she's done and what she hasn't? Do she only wish to be better, or does she put in a wish with some effort and memory behind it?
Is she too full to do anything right now?
Does she just act passively… does she keep asking things like, “what should I do” and also acting like, “are you going to ditch and ignore me?” Those things suggest that she is focusing on what she is feeling and getting and reactivity. Instead, can she take the moment of reflection to see the bigger pattern. Can she just say "ow"?
In her plus category, she has remembered to breathe. She is earnest (I usually only see it when I ask. I wish she'd share when she's earnest; so i don't have to guess how earnest she is when I'm not around). She says she doesn’t want to stop goodwill. That she has it consistently. That she doesn’t want to disappear.
I’m tired. I'm tired when I interact with her. It seems like a waste of time to teach her things because she gets very earnest about them for a moment and then seems to forget it. It's on my side of the net that I get frustrated when I (think I) see this. So, that's for me to deal with. But, if in my objective, clearer state, if she's jus asking as distraction/pattern/entertainment/wishing without any puttingItIntoPractice.... well, wish her well but know that that attitude isn't going very far.
If she were to read something that I’ve written this past week… would she remember it or would it be forgotten next week? She's been smart and she can recall it. But, that's not enough. I think I’d call bullshit… she is smart enough to remember it in her memory and stupid enough to not have put it into practice, so that she knows it in her bones. Or, am I being too tough; perhaps she puts into practice and just doesn't get that far. In which case, I should ask instead of assume... Have you been putting it in practice?
All of this is hard to know when I just see little glimpses from afar, dispatches. I see so much more spending 1 day with a person, watching their everyday actions. Old skool, that way. Unfortunately, the Dunning-Kruger effect applies here. She won't know what actually putting it into practice is until she puts it into practice. So, she'll be an unreliable gauger of her own effort.
In her defense, she might be feeling less than 30% safe.
In her not defense, she’s been feeling that way for a long time, and she has been the one keeping herself in those states. Literally, in a state (US state) of isolation and physical hardship. See her oxytocin comments.
I shouldn’t use “monkish” standards to judge her. It’s fine that she wants to connect with people, that she hasn’t done much renunciation. Renunciation and dispassion for the world are needed at some point on the path, but not needed right at the beginning. Instead, look at generosity, persistence, endurance, truthfulness. Those are traits she has some knowledge of, that she has some ardency for.
Perhaps the zen story holds, her cup is too full.
I am at fault, too. There are some weird habit patterns at work here. It may not be in her or my power to unlock her from those patterns. (See the difference between good intentions and skillful intentions, Intro to Buddhism by the Dhammayut Order)
She seems to know where she wants to go, she seems to have a pretty good knowledge of the first steps of the path. But, she keeps wanting to do the path only sometimes; I get the sense (only a guess) that she does it only when she feels like. This is a big mistake and a common one. She needs to be consistent, and follow the path in the good times and the bad times. I've told her this. She's told me this. But, maybe she's stuck.
I wish her well. I wish her happiness. I wish her freedom from suffering. Goodwill to her. I wish her knowledge, foremost, of the causes and consequences of her actions, helpful and unhelpful. And not just the surface, intended consequences. But the wide ranging consequences. The plusses and minuses of skillful action. The plusses and minuses of unskillful action.
This is not easy stuff at all. I'm not looking for success. Just earnest, consistent effort. Not fair-weather effort.
Was I careful in my actions? Did I practice right speech? Speaking with truthfulness in mind, speaking carefully, speaking for her benefit, and not speaking harsh words (not harsh at her, though okay if it is harsh toward an action she wouldn’t want). And the hardest factor, speaking with good timing.
I can easily say I mostly have these. But, I also have to be honest that I get carried away with the words and the emotions and the path, and, reflecting, I lose sight of the "beneficiality" of the words, how they will land, and whether the timing is good.
In the habit of everyday people, it is a valid excuse that I was frustrated. In the habits of the noble ones, being frustrated is not an excuse. I don't want to make excuses there. I want to do better.
Let me wait and see. Breathe. Stay calm. Focus on my actions. Don't get sucked in. Speak less. Watch more. Help at the right time. Equanimity and Goodwill.
I do wish she'd listen to some more Gil Fronsdal / Pema Chodron / Ajahn Geoff.
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